mood:
Cloudy.a stray thought.
years ago, to be exact 11 years ago,
i shut myself away from people.
friends i knew since 6 was shunt away from my life.
most of them at least. especially those of the same age.
i remember vividly.
the moment i arrived school the next day,
there was a group of people. (note people not friends)
would ask what the fuck is wrong with me.
what's bugging me. that we should talk.
what was done, was done.
and it's too slow too late.
nothing major happened.
but every minor little things,
they lead to something major.
have a few and they become an irritable stain.
i turned away from a lot of people.
mixed with only a very selected few.
some i had no choice since they were classmates.
in general, i was alone most of the time.
not that i was a social outcast.
somehow i just wanted to be the outcast.
i liked that.
not needing anyone.
not having to depend on anyone.
not needing any interaction.
that's why i usually travel alone.
it's such freedom.
only restriction is when i eat.
probably that's why i hate meal time.
everyone is with someone.
it was only after high school that i opened up.
being in new grounds. i should.
oddly enough there were comments that i was too friendly.
like it was a crime to care about course-mates.
no doubt if there was a congeniality competition
i am most likely to win it.
however now recently, there's that urge again.
to shut myself away from people.
most days it feels that there's no difference,
having friends or not.
some days i wished there was someone i could call.
and scream everything out.
but, there's not much point into that.
sometimes i pounder to let go my frustrations and anger.
hoping for someone to share my emo emotions.
then again, if you already know the problem,
and you know the solution,
then why bother asking or telling people.
it becomes a rhetorical question.
since most of the time i am alone.
only, by fact i do have friends,
just that i am usually left alone, behind.
yes, of cause everyone is busy with work.
tho i do find that a lame fact.
time can be created, especially when there's a funeral.
i created a lot of time, for my dead lecturers.
for their funeral.
not very proud of that.
so i am confused.
i might as well, learn to be alone again.
since it's going to be a long quiet journey.
better get used to it again.
and nay. i guess i rather not have that open heart anymore.
i've been developing very plastic smiles lately.
i feel like i look wryly with it on my face. -_-
this blog will be on a hiatus.
