the second trigger, epilogue.

it's weird that you bound with people you hate from the beginning.

it's lonely when you feel that you're alone.
but until you find someone who you can relate too then you are no longer alone.

val's death is my second trigger.

i'm sad. but also angry.

not the way she died.
but rather like i said... jealous.

we talked about death so often it was like a joke.
a normal routine.
do i feel responsible?
since i saw her msn i want to give up.
and i did nothing.
thinking gosh it's the same old.
people with depression are in denial.
are suicidal.
perhaps even bipolar.

they are like myself a time bomb.
waiting to explode.
those Samaritans
well you can advise but you can't stop us
you can buy us time to live longer
but eventually this will happen.

the third would only means, the tick tock stops.

i probably am being selfish. but ain't no coward in facing life etc.

it's not about money. it's not about being irresponsible. perhaps a little. i know if there's trouble in life everything can be solved. it's possible. nothing is impossible.
*ANNA i'm helping you advertise here!!! ADIDAS woots!!!*

my theory is simple. i die eventually. why do i have to wait for my body to stop then i die ha? what if i'm not happy when i die. what if before i die i had to enter the hospital, thanks to... well let's hope... my nephews and nieces and strangers... they would feel like oh i've saved you. but HELLO... yes now the mechanic *i am a walking talking breathing trophy... that makes me a robot... LOL* has saved me. fixed me. but i will still die. and i have to go thru all those tubes and surgery AGAIN? oh nevermind i like pain... but the COST! why the hell should i pay so much and then i have to go thru it again la! DON't WANT. i kiam siap and kiasu. i rather use the money to get away. for a long holiday.

i've seen my uncle suffering from cancer. in and out. omg. he's old. he's mad. suffer so much just to prolong another few years... and spend soooo much... and suffer... did i mention that already... it's not s&m... it's pure SUFFER... then sooo weak... just to live another few miserably years then again the routine at the hospital. and then cannot eat this cannot eat that... that's not living... WERE YOU HAPPIER?

my life will have no boundries then.
so will my death, there shouldn't be any boundries.
i should not be just here, at home at my comfort zone.
i should be out there. living my last days.
after all we will end back at the starting line.

... and the fact is... i am sick. i just personally don't know how long more this body can last till the final draw.
and no... i'm not doing a veronica. *by paulo coelho*

don't worry i'm not doing anything drastic yet.
it takes time to plan being a pisces... and a drama queen. i want a perfect end.
and all good things, they come to an end.