the chronicles, the first trigger.

before i was born. my dad had an affair. those days, my family was rather drama. see, even without me. humour please. haha. well there was my mum, my sister, my brother and grandma, trying to meets end.

*my grandma isn't blood related, but that's my mum's story, not mine to tell, tho i had 3 grandmas and 3 grandas... but i know none of my grandas... sighs...*

eventually he came back. and my mum gave birth to me a year later.

i was spoilt. i was pampered.

my sibblings somehow was envy.

looking at my nephew, i could probably imagine what made my brother so pissed. looking at my nephew i'm sure whenever he says thing like 'this is mine, oh my daddy bought it for ME' he doesn't mean to show off in a bad way but more like i'm so happy happy happy. i think i sorta did that. can't really remember, but i'm sure i did something along that line... this is mine. mine. when they never had such luxury. i heard that they had handover from my cousins. while i had fresh stuffs. new. brand new. branded.

part of me felt bad. but part of me also understand one thing. we had age gap of 10 years. if was born right after them i'm sure i would have ALL the handover stuffs too la. i was still wearing some of their old old old clothes anyways back then, just not that many, and i usually say... NO. haha. anyways jealousy always clouds the heart. i was hated by my sibblings then.

later in the years, i think we had fincially problems. i was young. i was naive. i don't really understand a lot of stuffs since they didn't want to explain them to me.

even tho i remember a lot of things. like when i was around 5, fine i can't remember the age but i can remember the event. yes, when i was around 5 i dropped my slippers in the drain while my mum was carrying me. you know back then moonsoon drain are like... damn scary wan la. or when my sibblings, actually that was the only event i ever remember us playing together, that long school holiday, parents were working and we were sorta home along, granda spoilt us... so even if she was there... she's just... there... haha. we play dressed up. etc... my sis dragged me... see that really explains a lot! *later in life i found out both mum and sis wanted daughter/sister very badly*... *eyes rolls*... *well sorry i like my joystick... and i also like joysticks...* HAHA.

yea so there are many other occasions that i can remember. but that was i think the only time we were a we, a unit. a family. there rest of the other times, i was along. most of the time. haha. funny huh, i have sibblings but it feels like i'm the only child. at least those who are the only child really gets ALL the attention.

to be fair life wasn't all that lonely. i was surrounded by friends, or neighbours. mainly girls. *well that explains a WHOLE lot more... and so does the next one...* my best friend at that time, joanne yap... made me play barbies... well not all the time, i get to bathe kent too... *oh dear... if only barbies had the sex gender thing done properly back then... things might be a little different...* but yes i was alone at home.

when i was 14, i developed a misanthropist mood. i couldn't trust people, anymore. i felt that some friends were suck fakes. mainly jin sern. he would just coy you into doing things because he wants something. this is not a question, this is a statement, a fact. i left them. all of them. and shut down completely. loosing, or rather getting rid of all those leaves.

true friends are like diamond, rare a precious. had to find.
false friends are like leaves, they can be found everywhere.

diamonds friends, well i have a few. but even they have their own lifes and stuff. life is just so... pathetic. and the grass is certainly greener on the other end. people see a kid with a smiling face, but there's a broken heart inside.

i found out probably after my dad had another affair... that the only reason why i was born into this world is to prove to my dad that she can still deliver... harsh term...

yes, so i was technically a walking talking breathing trophy. full stop. things might change if i was a daughter/sister... and that before me, there were at least 4 miscarriages.

it's not that i am not loved. fine. i don't know. i think i am. i like to think that i am.

we moved from damansara to where i am now when i was 16. that cut me out of a lot of other teenage stuffs i was hoping to do. like going to the mamaks till late night like how my brother used to do. but even that life... lifestyle was kaBOOM. all because my sister suggested to my dad that she wanted to invest in this house la blah blah blah. then economy was bad, was better that we moved here and rent the old house.

was i crossed with her decision? her selfish intention. God i love them so much but yet i'm always picked. yes so i probably can't do much about this. but my cousin did suggest that i moved into their house in bandar utama. but... but... that's weird for me la to stay at someone elses home... mind you i still studied at damansara... everyday i travel close to 30km to school. urghs...................

college came. i was given a car. sibblings got jealous. they had to earn. save to buy their car. i got mine free. who made me live in this... island? this isolated jail. with no internet for the first one year. with absolutely no public transportation back then. taking a cab to the civil life 6 years ago would cost the same as going to KLIA from damansara when we don't actually live that far! dumb bitch.

few years back when was visiting a friend, i saw her family members. sitting talking like friends. OMG that was a awkard senario for me. i never believe that such thing was possible. i only thought it was in the tv. fin. but life is like that, just not for me.

... oh i'm lazy to carry on this writting...

sometimes i wonder. somethings i wonder too much, why am i in this world. often time i feel like... where am i. lost. that feeling of... WHERE AM I REALLY. what why how when who? if an apple wasn't called an apple what would it be named. is there really another galaxy. where is God... what is he doing now? digger his nose... does he even have a nose when they are death and there's no point of having oxygen in the... soul?

michael barrett *my lecturer from cenfad* once asked, if you believe in science, and you also believed in God. who you rather believe that when a creator made you, you are a mirror to his reflexion. meaning he crafted you as how he looks like. hence you are closer to him. or would you rather like to think that you were previously related to monkeys... HAHA that beat everyone else who were debating in class that time. smart teacher wo. my other question is... if we were monkeys... the current monkeys were previously??? HUH? haha.

besides if you played the SIM. you are in a way taking God's position. you create them and stuffs. but you allow them to evolve. but you craft them the way you want from the beginning and you give the freedom of having them be free. you get crossed when they don't react they way you hope, but then you calm down as it's your choice to begin with giving them the freedom... complicated i so don't want to get to this topic de... haha.

i don't know what is the purpose of me being here. sometimes it feels like i'm more of a leave to the society rather than a michael angelo. i am not contributing. and sometimes i feel... why the hell should i bother about saving tress, being kind when i am hoping that all this would end or that by the time this world screws up... i'm already no longer here, and if it comes sooner... that's even better i get to see the final fireworks.

these are the contributing factors of my to my first trigger. *thanks bernice for that word*
i couldn't care less for spelling mistake or grammar errors. i'm... lazy. HAHA.