mood:
Confused.year after years,
the ang pau gets smaller.
or less content.
i wouldn't say less value,
as it's the heart and thought that counts.
that's priceless.
i usually keep one un-open.
(a custom i learnt from someone to leave one un-open for next year, for like MORE ANG PAOs)
for the next year to come.
and open only then.
like it's a delayed present.
a tradition that i now do for fun.
i know this year dad gave one.
like he still does every year.
i saw him coming to the house,
when mom went out,
and everyone else was out.
i pretended not to know.
but i saw him, white hair and all.
later grandma was waving an ang pao in front of me.
and grandma used to hate dad, so very MUCH.
but i pretended not to see it.
i pretended it didn't exist.
today she forced me to take it.
saying it's a THICK ang pao.
she don't want to be holding it.
not wanting to keep something that is not hers.
and boy, it's THICK.
i didn't open it.
i want it to be the pandora box.
today it's his birthday.
i don't know if i should wish him.
today is also when dad's mom passed away.
i know daddy loves me a lot.
whatever i wanted he got it for me.
holidays, toys, money, clothes, freedom etc.
even at times he would punish me,
beat me, scold me, he would still get it for me.
some friends said i should forgive.
otherwise i'll regret it later in life.
but, i feel i already lost him.
acknowledging that he's still alive,
means one day, i'll have to accept a day of really loosing him.
cries~
i feel like a small boy today.
a boy who still needs his daddy.
who still craves for his attention.
who seeks his attention.
cries~
happy birthday daddy.
